A letter I shouldn't send... but I did. (July)

I shouldn’t send this.
I know I shouldn’t, but I probably will.

Hi. Howdy. How have you been?

I do feel a little bit ridiculous composing this email, but I guess I need to do what I need to do.

I wish that I didn’t think about you, but I do.
I wish that I could be angry, but I’m not.

I was just planning on letting it go. Not that I have been brooding on the fact that you dumped me and said you would call. I figured it was just a lie and I would move on. But these weird things happened this weekend:

I got a message from Yahoo Personals that said you were my match of the week. I looked at your picture and froze up a minute, then I got angry, then I realized I missed that face.
Last night I met up with a friend for cocktails... she lives down the street from the Muddy Pig. We drank and talked and I thought about you.
You sent me an offline message this weekend on messenger saying “Hello”. I wasn’t sure if you even knew that who you were sending it to, or if you were trying to say hello.

I realize that we have not talked for at least as long as we did. I called once, I think. I sent an email or two and there hasn’t been (as you know) a response. I could make a million assumptions why you have not attempted to communicate with me, but I won’t. Not here.

Let me say that when I called/emailed you after you broke up with me, it wasn’t necessarily to try and get you back. It was because I cared about you. I knew that the divorce was really hard on you, and I also knew that you were having problems at work. As your friend, whom I considered myself, I really cared.

Our friendship moved very quickly and in a short amount of time, I fell for you. You obviously had other things and major changes in your life, so me not being a part of it was no big deal. But for me... damnit. I let you in. I believed you when you told me that you liked having me be a part of your life, and I believed you when you said you needed some time and that you would call.

I have dated lots and lots of guys over the years. In fact, my motto for several years was “fuck it, I’m fine on my own, and I don’t need to invest in a relationship.” But for some reason, being with you just... I don’t know. I just felt such so connected to you.

And then you sent an email.

I’m not gonna lie, I stared at my computer screen that day and just froze. You sent me an email, and once again, sorry if I come off as a dense person, but I thought there was some ambiguities in your email, I wasn’t sure if you were honestly breaking up with me, or if you just needed some space, or if you just weren’t interested in pursuing any kind of relationship (friendship or otherwise) right now and you just want me out of your life. And why would you tell me you would call me if you had no intention to do so. “Is he fucking breaking up with me?” I said aloud. The same man who was at my house a couple days before, lying on my bed, the man that I wanted to kiss for hours?

Yep, he did.
I was patient.
I was understanding.
And I respected you and gave you space.

But unfortunately, I still missed you. Unfortunately I had no closure because I just assumed that you felt the same way I did, so when you said you needed some time, eventually, you would call. I thought, that if nothing else, you enjoyed our friendship.

Obviously that’s not the case.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to stalk you. I just felt that I had the right to tell you how I was feeling. That I’ve missed you. That I care about you. That I hope that you find whatever it is that makes you happy. I didn’t feel right about deleting you from my myspace and my life without telling you how I felt. I’m fully aware and prepared to not get a response from this email. If you don’t feel like responding, and if your intention was to break all ties with the email you sent. That’s fine. I will take your lack of response to this email as my closure and leave you alone.

Best wishes,
Annette